The end of the story - for now

Forgive me if this final post is a little long.


By popular request I'm going to keep writing, but I think I'll shoot for once per week. And it will be much less a status report on the family, and more to entertain, enlighten, and generally make you say "Hmmmm....". I'll still write about the kids some, but return a little privacy to them. Look for new posts at The Harrigan Report, starting next week.

The cards and letters have continued to roll in here at home, along with many notices of donations to either the American Cancer Society or the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition. Thank you, all of you.

Rachel's burial service was at 9am today at Calvary Cemetery, attended by about 15 family members and led by Fr. Tom. It was a beautiful fall morning here in Evanston, and the center of the cemetery was quite peaceful. The service was short, and felt somewhat anticlimactic after last week's wake and funeral. The grave marker takes a while to get engraved, so it will be installed in about 6 weeks.


Calvary is a remarkable place, with graves dating back almost 150 years. There's something special about this connection to the past -- I feel the same way about the bits of church Latin we still learn and use. Our time here is not the beginning, nor the end; that's both a comfort and a challenge, I think.


Those of us who knew Rachel will miss her greatly, for a long time to come. But we'll get on with life -- you could say "because we have to", but I think it's better to say "because we're called to." We're called to recognize that the world is basically a good place, that death is a part of life, and that mourning is an appropriate phase, not a new lifestyle. We have things to do -- today, tomorrow, and the day after.


So let's keep Rachel in our thoughts and prayers, and also pray for each other, that we may find peace and carry on.


Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona nobis pacem.



Pat

Advice

One business item first: My plan for child care is to find someone who can be at the house with the kids from 3-7pm Monday to Friday, and can drive. (I'll get the kids organized and out the door in the mornings.) Any references or recommendations would be very welcome.

You've probably taken your own lessons from this whole thing, but I'll offer up some advice on the practical side. None of this is especially novel -- it's just worth reinforcing, especially for those of us way up in our 40's and beyond...

• Make sure your wills are up to date. We did them ourselves 10 years ago, just using some software program I bought. I think Rachel's will work out fine, but I did see that our chosen set of guardians for the kids from 10 years ago no longer live in the same town as described, nor are they married to each other any more. So if I'd died at the same time this could have been a problem. (Obviously I'm going to update mine now in more detail, with a professional.)
• It would be good to think through your own funeral/burial preferences in advance, and ideally write them down. Think of it as a slightly morbid present to your spouse/loved ones: they won't have to try to figure it out on short notice some day.
• I'd been getting updates yearly from Social Security, reports showing how much I'd get if blah blah blah. Who pays attention to something so far away? As it turns out your dependent kids can receive benefits until they're 18 should you die, and for us it looks like that will be a reasonable chunk of money each month (to at least pay for child care, and then some). Check that report the next time it comes to you, and dial it into your plans.
• How much life insurance you need will depend, but I'm sure the answer isn't "zero" for very many of you. Think about whether what you've got would really meet the needs of those you would leave behind. (The kids and I will be OK.)
• Among the many things I've done this week is to get all the bills, payments, accounts, credit cards, titles, etc. put in my name, and to cancel others no longer needed . I don't think there's any way around this, but it would probably be useful to keep a list of all of these (with account numbers and phone #'s) somewhere. If there's a lawyer in the audience with a better idea, let's hear it.

There. Cheery, huh? Spend a little time on it anyway, just for peace of mind. (Mine, at a minimum...)

Pat

Carrying on

For those of you still following, a variety of items:

1. Maureen (O'Donnell) Rosati wrote a wonderful obituary for Rachel, which ran last Thursday in the Chicago Sun-Times and today in the Evanston Review.
2. Sheila is still putting together the "Team Rachel" photo album -- as a tribute now. If you haven't sent your picture to her yet (sheilab320@gmail.com), she'd still welcome it.
3. A number of people have contacted Evan about starting or participating in ovarian cancer fundraisers in Rachel's name. More thoughts are still welcome, and Evan and I will figure out soon what to take on. (Great idea, everyone...)
4. Something I didn't mention last week about the day Rachel passed away: One of the first visitors to the house was Gordon, a fellow St. A's dad who lost his wife last year in a car accident. He kept his two kids out of school to join our kids, and barged right in the house -- even though we'd barely met before. I don't know if he's a routine barger, but it turned out to be really welcome company last Tuesday. It was helpful to talk with him, and we had a beer again last night and went over a few things (including child care decisions and grief counseling). So the "St. A's Widowers Club" will probably keep on meeting every now and then. Our motto: "No More Members -- Please".
5. For everyone suffering from Rachel Withdrawal, here's a story for you: We started dating in the fall of 1989, just after her dad died. We hit it off right away. Before Christmas she told me that she'd already had handkerchiefs monogrammed with an "H" ("John Henry") for her dad, and wanted to know if I thought it would be appropriate for her to give them to someone else. I told her I'd be honored. She smiled sheepishly and said, "They're not for you..."

Pat

Slideshow

Thanks to Sheila for yet one more thing...here's the slideshow from the visitation, in a format that hopefully everyone can work with.

One final thing I forgot to mention about the funeral: Cheryl and Dell from the ICU both made it, and Dell was able to join the reception afterwards for a while. She was a little surprised at her celebrity, I think. We talked for a little while, and she closed with "Thank you, Pat, for sharing Rachel with me..."

Pat

Funeral

For the out-of-towners and folks who couldn't make it, some notes/thoughts on yesterday...

Mass

• St. A's was packed, including the choir loft
• Processional: "Let There be Peace"
• First reading: Proverbs 31 (reproduced below)
• Responsorial: Psalm 23
• Second reading: 1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18
• Gospel: John 5: 12-17
• Offertory hymn: Ave Maria
• Communion hymn: Be Not Afraid
• Communion meditation: Panis Angelicus
• Remembrances of Rachel by her sister Fran, Anne Hinkamp (college roommate), Laura Boylan, Evan Finamore, and me
• Song of farewell: Receive Her Soul
• Prayer of commendation: Irish Farewell Song
• Recessional hymn: Amazing Grace

I won't try to describe it any further, except that it was beautiful.

The reception in the gym and Lindley Park was very nice -- thanks to everyone who worked so hard to pull this together on short notice. I was really pleased to see some friends we'd lost touch with years ago, who heard about Rachel's passing and came to share their respects.

We had a bunch of friends and family over at the house all afternoon: a nice, comforting hubbub. About 5pm the exhaustion really hit me; I toughed it out until I could tuck the kids in, and then crashed.

The reading from Proverbs 31 seemed so fitting for Rachel that we put it on the Mass booklet:

"When one finds a worthy woman, her worth is more than precious gems. She reaches out her hands to the poor and extends her arms to the needy. She is a woman of strength and dignity and does not fear the days to come. When she speaks, her words are wise and kindness is the rule for everything she says. She watches carefully all that goes on throughout her household and is not idle. Charm can be deceptive and beauty fleeting, but the woman who recognizes the will of God and tries to do God's bidding shall be greatly praised.

Praise her for the many things she has done. These good deeds of hers shall bring her honor and recognition from the community, but more importantly, will make her welcome in the kingdom of God."

Pat

Visitation Day

It's 5am on Friday, and the house is quiet. I didn't sleep too well, so I thought I might as well capture yesterday's events -- especially for those who couldn't make it.

General

• I had a dentist appointment at 8am, and my first surprise "Sorry your wife died" encounter. The hygienist noted that I had rescheduled from a couple of weeks ago because Rachel was in the hospital, and politely asked how she was doing. When I told her she was in shock, of course -- it was the first time I've ever had my teeth cleaned in silence (which wasn't all bad...) There will be more of those to come, and I hope to handle them with as much grace as possible.
• Lots of last minute bustling at the house, and family coming and going. And food/drink being dropped off.
• I picked up the kids at 2pm from school; reports were that everyone did fine.

Visitation

• We had visitation for the immediate family from 3-4pm, with the casket open. Donnellan did the best they could with her, but Emmet had to ask, "Is that Mom?" Closing the casket for the general viewing was an easy call. We said the rosary together, and then opened up the doors.
• Sheila had prepared a beautiful slideshow of pictures of Rachel through the years, and that played on a big TV throughout. I'll figure out the best way to share that with everyone.
• I really appreciate how many people came, and the kind thoughts they shared. I recall standing in line at visitations before and thinking of what to say. It turns out it doesn't really matter -- the words all sort of blend together, but the feeling comes through.
• I've gotten more hugs in the last 5 weeks than in the rest of my life combined. It's funny with guys, as sometimes you get the full-on man-hug, and sometimes the handshake-and-hug-with-the-other-arm. And sometimes the awkward "Which hug are we doing?" shuffle, which is still just fine. Again, it's the feeling that comes through.
• Lots of people from school, and the neighborhood, and old friends of Rachel and mine, and Rachel's work. And more distant relatives on both sides.
• Dozens of people came from my office, none of whom had ever met her before -- including the president of the company. More than one person commented during the night how many lives Rachel touched, and that includes through me, I suppose.
• We had a couple of the contractors who worked on our house (here and on Grant St.) come, which surprised me. You know those long house renovation projects, when you say the plumber/electrician/carpenter "becomes like a member of the family"? There's apparently more truth to that than you'd expect.
• Several of Rachel's newest friends (the ICU staff) came through. One said, "In 22 years this is only the 3rd one of these I've been to. There was just something about Rachel and your family that touched us." I sensed that in the hospital, as previous posts indicated, but this reinforced it.
• Fr. Tom and Fr. Rich closed the service at 9pm with a prayer.
• The family gathering back at the house went on until late, mostly with telling Rachel stories, and mostly laughing (with a little crying). There will be more of those...

On to the funeral today. One thing I didn't clarify earlier is that the burial isn't today -- the only spots open at Calvary were for cremation graves, so after the funeral the body goes to Lombard for further processing. "And unto dust you shall return," a little faster for some of us than for others. We'll have a small interment ceremony sometime soon with just the family. But getting into Calvary seemed important -- Rachel was all about location, after all...

Pat

Final Preparations

I'm now a blogger, I guess -- while preparing everything for tomorrow and Friday I kept thinking "I'll have to write about this tonight..." But there will only be a few more posts here. It's the Rachie Report, not the Pat Report, after all, and her story's almost told.

• The kids lazed around the house today for the most part, and then Fi went for a sleepover at Maddy's. I'm sending them all to school tomorrow for the sake of continuity/routine.
• Sheila and Kathy have been working with me all day on a variety of things -- clothes for Rachel, a picture slideshow for the visitation, designing/writing the prayer cards and Mass booklets, hoteling the out-of-towners, etc. It's really good to be busy.
• It's sounding like there will be a big crowd on Friday -- school has been canceled, and we'll have friends old and new from all sorts of places.
• I visited several cemeteries this morning, and chose Calvary Cemetery in Evanston. It's the one right on the border of Evanston and Chicago, on Sheridan Road. From there you can see the two towns where Rachel lived for the last 24 years, and Lake Michigan, of course. I reserved two plots, one of which I hope not to use for a good long time.

Here's a funny cemetery story (!) to close with: Right next to those plots I noticed eight grave markers which were identical in design, but with different names and wildly different dates of death (early 1900's to 2008). I asked the cemetery clerk what the story was, and he said an eccentric old guy came in last year and bought eight plots at once. He then proceeded to unload seven containers of ashes from the trunk of his car, including those of his recently-deceased wife. He ordered all the markers and closed the deal, in a timely manner -- he joined them earlier this summer. (I did wonder what else was in his house...)

Pat

Arrangements

First, we're all doing OK. I spoke with the kids when they woke up this morning; there was some crying all around, but they had some friends over and other helpful distractions today. Ditto for me.

1. The visitation for Rachel will be this Thursday, September 11th, from 4pm-9pm at Donnellan Family Funeral Services -- 10045 Skokie Boulevard in Skokie (east of the Edens Expressway, just north of Old Orchard Rd.).

2. The funeral Mass is on Friday, September 12th, at 10am at St. Athanasius Church -- 1615 Lincoln Street in Evanston (just east of Green Bay Rd., south of Central Street).

3. A reception will immediately follow Mass, either at the Parish's "Lindley Park" (weather permitting) or in the school gym.

4. In lieu of flowers, donations in Rachel's name to either the American Cancer Society or the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for all of your support -- I continue to be overwhelmed by your generosity of spirit.

Pat

Rachel Jane Harrigan 1961-2008

The end came pretty quickly -- her heart fluttered a couple of times, and then stopped at 12:40 this morning. She was unconscious and in no pain, and I was holding her hand. Arrangements TBD, but I'll post them here.

God rest her soul.

Pat

Peaceful

Briefly:

Rach has been unconscious since late yesterday. No dialysis or procedures today, and her heartrate and blood pressure have been relatively stable. She's getting morphine and Ativan now to ensure she's not in any pain.

Her ventilator is now providing 100% oxygen, but her blood oxygen content is continuing to go down (now at 80% saturation) due to her pneumonia.

Visitors today started to refer to her in the past tense; this was jarring the first time, but it's seeming more normal.

I wore glasses today instead of contacts, knowing it would be a crying day. I'm spending the night here with her.

Pat

Pneumonia

• Rachel had another CT scan today, and it showed she has a severe case of pneumonia. Whether this is the e. Coli and/or another bug is unknown -- but it's the probable cause of her fever, and is now also causing her labored breathing and decreased blood oxygen content (even with the ventilator).
• Her white cell count is down to 0.2, so her ability to fight off an infection is minimal. Antibiotics can help your immune system, but not substitute for it. They added a couple of antibiotics to try to fight the pneumonia anyway (amikacin and amphotericin).
• The doctor from Infectious Diseases who showed me the CT scans and explained the implications was very sympathetic, and pretty clear about the prognosis: "days, not weeks". Note also that we haven't seen any indication of chemo having a positive effect on the underlying disease, and in fact the CT showed some further organ deterioration in the abdomen. Joining us for this discussion was nurse Cheryl, one of the ICU mainstays; it was the first time I'd seen any of the medical staff cry.
• Dialysis this afternoon, aided by drugs to raise her blood pressure.
• I took the kids to see her again tonight, having explained the latest turn of events. Not much reaction from them -- it still doesn't seem "real", I think.

Where do we all go from here? I think it's OK to still hope and pray for a miracle, while expecting something less. I was reminded today of Mark 14:35-6: "He advanced a little and fell to the ground and prayed that if it were possible the hour might pass by him; he said, 'Abba, Father, all things are possible to you. Take this cup away from me, but not what I will but what you will.'"

Pat

Fever

No good news today, unfortunately.

• Fever all day long -- mid 102's, up to 103. Rach was out of it as a result.


• Dialysis was postponed, as her BP was a little too low to attempt.


• Her labs aren't looking good -- after yesterday's platelet transfusion her platelet count was up to 27 this morning (still low), but dropped to 12 by the afternoon. Similarly her morning hemoglobin level was less than desired despite her recent two-unit blood transfusion. And her white cell count is down to 0.4 (normal is about 4-10).


• Cause still unknown -- cancer/chemo/infection, or some combination, with no immediate way to address it. She did go back on one of the heavy-duty antibiotics (Colistin) last night, despite the risk of nephrotoxicity. I left this evening after she had just gotten 4 more units of blood and 2 more units of platelets.


• I think the ICU team is worried, as am I.

On the home front the kids took part in the Payne/Noyes garage sale with the Finamores, making a few bucks and decluttering their rooms a little in the process. Their visit to the hospital late in the afternoon was uneventful, and Fiona is sleeping over at Maddy G's tonight.

Pat

A Very Quiet Day

• Rachel was exhausted all day. She responded to a few questions with subtle nods, but that's it. Her fever was consistently in the 102's all day, despite ice packs and Tylenol, so I guess I'm not surprised.
• The source of the fever is still unknown, and still perplexing.
• Yet another new antibiotic today -- clindamycin, to address any issues in her lungs from what she aspirated yesterday.
• Paracentesis this afternoon.
• Thanks to Laura Maloney and Eric Miller for getting the "Team Rachel" shirts going -- details here

Pat

Chemo Effects

Just another day in the ICU...

• Today's labs showed some chemotherapy effects: Rachel's white cell count has now fallen below 1 (normal is about 4 to 10), and her hemoglobin level and platelet counts are low, too. She got two units of whole blood, a unit of packed red cells, and her daily dose of white cell booster (Neupogen). She was also put on yet another antibiotic (tobramycin) as a precaution against infection.
• That aside, Rach was remarkably awake and alert this morning. She asked for her glasses, and we watched some TV. It was nice to have her back for a little while...
• Uneventful dialysis mid-day, and likely paracentesis tomorrow (she's gotten pretty big again).
• Today's excitement came in the early afternoon, when Rachel managed to throw up and then aspirate some material into her lungs. A flurry of respiratory activity followed, and it took her (and the rest of us) a little while to calm down.

And barring any emergencies I'm going to try to make my "Book Club" meeting tonight at Bluestone -- there are a lot of books not to discuss. Plus there's beer.

Pat

Same Same

A boring day today...

• Rachel was out of it all day, with just a couple of responses to nurses/visitors.
• She breathed on her own for about 2 hours today (up from 15 minutes yesterday)
• Dialysis this afternoon, with the now-familiar struggle to keep her blood pressure up while it's going on.
• Still something of a fever -- it was 101.2 when I left this afternoon. This despite the fact that her WBC count is now down to normal.

Tomorrow marks Rachel's 4-week anniversary in ICU. This isn't where we expected or wanted to be coming out of surgery, but we all know it could have been worse. Today's special acknowledgement goes to everyone who has helped with meals, house stuff and kid stuff over that period -- thanks.

Pat

Team Rachel

At the hospital

• A little better again today: Fever down below 101, heartrate/blood pressure mostly OK, and she got in 15 minutes of breathing on her own (without the ventilator). Also more awake and alert, although that was only for a few hours this morning.
• Her tumor diagnosis has switched slightly again, to "rhabdoid/large cell variant of small cell carcinoma of the ovary", or something close to that. Google it if you please, although what you find will be gibberish to us non-pathologists (example here). I'll whine one final time about the complexity of cancer, as opposed to something straightforward like "Torn ACL", "Chicken Pox" or "The Suds".
• I brought her a "Survivor" head wrap today, and told her that she's not been voted off the island just yet. And she has immunity until the next Tribal Council. (I'm sure Fi will replace it with something more fashionable.)

Our new project

• Bothered that you can't do enough to help, especially from out of town? Here's your opportunity! We're going to put together a "Team Rachel" photo album to take to the hospital. Take a picture of you and your loved ones holding up a handmade "Team Rachel" sign, and email it to Sheila Barnes (Rachel's niece) at sheilab320@gmail.com. Or just PhotoShop the text in -- she's not picky. Sheila will assemble, print, and put the book together. Rachel knows how much everyone's pulling for her, and this will reinforce it with her even more. Thanks and bless you in advance...

Pat

Bald is Beautiful

At the hospital

• Rachel's just a little more alert today. Lots of sleep, and lots of daydreams (including mumbling, hand gestures, and smiles -- I can only imagine...)
• Still with the fever -- down to 101 periodically, though. That's obviously the primary short-term concern.
• Dialysis for 4 hours today.
• Over the last two days Rachel has lost a lot of hair, as expected. I believe Fiona will be going out in the next day or so to shop for scarves.

At home

• Lazy day for the kids today.
• Rachel's mom and two sisters are joining us for dinner, having just returned from her nephew Jeff's funeral in Florida.

Pat